compartmentalize and... BOOM!
We're heading back to Holland in one week. After being in missions and traveling around so much, I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing my life. Like, I'm in America right now and I think it's cool that I get to tell people I live in Holland and speak Dutch around them, but I feel like I live here. I'm just so absorbed in my present reality. The thing is, now that the one week mark has hit and I need to start thinking about packing and goodbyes, all those boxes that were so handy for compartmentalizing just seem to blow up into a billion pieces. The past 7 weeks start to feel like a dream as I slip into my next present reality, which is life in Holland.
I'm definitely having a lot of feelings about this whole experience right now. And what makes it challenging is that the emotions are on all sides of the spectrum. They're not like all bad or all good... they're just... ALL THE EMOTIONS.
I'm SO EXCITED to get back to my house and say bye-bye to the suitcases that we've been living out of for almost 8 weeks. I'm looking forward to the kids getting back in their "normal" rhythm of going to school and creche. I'm feeling uncertain about how to piece together the things that God has been speaking to us about during this furlough. I'm feeling guilty wondering if I made enough effort to see and spend time with all the people that I hardly ever get to see.
I'm full of expectation and motivation to do new things and finish old things. I'm already missing all the American conveniences which I love and hate at the same time (the huge stores that are open all the time and have everything, the coffee places on every corner, Amazon Prime...). I'm so happy to hear how much English Nora has picked up while we've been here. I've loved seeing my kids build relationships and connect with the people I love.
I'm sad that we're gonna get on an airplane, fly across the ocean, and they won't be able to see those people again for another couple years. I'm sad that I don't get to see those people again for another couple of years (I hate that so much). I love that I'm American and I love so many people in and things about my country. I also love that I live in The Netherlands and... you see my problem?!
Anyways, this is just the process. I've been through it a million times. I kinda want to say, "but I know I'll make it through" because somehow I feel like that's what I "should" say. But I also kinda want to say: THIS SUCKS WHY CAN'T I HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE AND THINGS I LOVE IN ONE PLACE AT THE SAME TIME ALL THE TIMEEEEEEE....
Anyways, this is just a little glimpse into my life as a missionary. Hope it's been enlightening, haha! And of course, if you want to pray for us as we transition to our next present reality, we would appreciate it a lot. :-)